fugue-stasis:

It’s not. It’s not it’s not it’s not okay *for me* to go a whole day without doing anything. Stop telling me it is, self-care posters! Stop being cheerful at me! I’m frustrated about non-productive days for a fucking reason and you don’t know better than me!!

When I go a whole day without doing anything, it means that I have a smaller chance of being able to move out of here by fall. When I go a whole day without doing anything, it sometimes means that my classes are inaccessible and no one is providing me with accommodations, so I might be at risk of failing. When I go a whole day without doing anything, it’s usually because I need support for my comically bad executive function—the same reason I sometimes spend hours curled up in bed writing about social structures because the part of my brain that knows how to close my laptop, stand up, walk to the other side of the room and turn off the light is completely broken—and the person who’s supposed to be working with me is only reachable by phone. None of this is okay. 

I feel like it’s important to talk about how “productivity” can be a capitalist and ableist myth, but I also feel like the whole concept of “doing nothing as self-care” is completely foreign and inaccessible to me. I have *absurd* amounts of executive dysfunction. Nine times out of ten, when I don’t get things done—things like “eating food” and “taking a shower” and you get the idea, I hope—it’s because I’m not being given the support I need to get them done.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this but I’m posting what I have so that I know to come back to this point later.